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The ugly truth

The truth is...I'm in recovery. The other truth is emotionally, I'm a disaster.

I haven't written in here because the truth is, losing libby was originally about weight loss surgery and how much weight I've weight I lost. In the past few months, more emotionally damning crap has happened to me, my family, my parent(s), my brother, and many people in my ever shrinking circle.

I am an addict.
I am well educated.
I live in the suburbs.
I have a child.
I have serious mental health issues.

I tell you all of the ugly in an attempt to hold myself accountable for the things I have done, the things I have put my family through, and most important...what I have done to myself.


If you would have told me five years ago or so that I would be unemployed, filing for disability, and doing medication assisted treatment for addiction...I would have laughed in your face and said you were crazy.

The truth is, like many other Americans, I'm not the only one.

How did this happen you might ask? Several things I've figured out in the process of RECOVERY.

1. Before I had weight-loss surgery almost 8 years ago now (I think LOL), I had some issues I never really dealt with. The biggest one on the block was this underlying addiction stuff. It started with food. In my last blog explaining a lot of this, I can pin point exact signs that should have said, "Yo girl, you gots some isssssssues!" but alas, when you're talking to Libby here, she appears to have it all together.
2. Pain Management. I started pain management to feel better. To do better. To be more active. To be able to work hard and be successful. So many things have changed in the five years I have been in and out of pain management, and thankfully for the better. The first thing that happened to me before I even had an MRI done on my back was to prescribe narcotics. It was a pretty standard way of treatment. Go once a month, get your script, go on your merry way. Well when what I was on wasn't enough, time to doctor shop and I found the devil of doctors that just kept letting me increase and increase, and finally, towards the end of my treatment with said devil, he actually said to me, "you mean I've never seen an MRI of your back." That was almost 2 years later. If I knew then what I know now about opiod therapy, I would have never, ever started it. I finally can say I am honest with myself and my physicians now, and have a pain management doctor that actually spends more time with me than I am pretty sure I'm allotted for. He is an amazing doctor, and I am lucky that he also teams up with my addiction specialists to keep me in check, and better yet, healthy.
3. Oh the feels. Yes feelings. Emotionally I'm kind of broken at this point. 12 years of intense work with severely mentally ill people kind of burned me out so bad that in order to get through the day I needed to either pop a bunch of pills or pour a bunch of vodka down my throat. I thought I had to do everything perfectly, except all I was doing was creating more chaos and issues for myself. I sit here now and hope someday I can use these experiences to help people, but I have to be honest and say the thought of working in the mental health field again scares the crap out of me. What if I go back to work? What if I can't handle the stress of it again? What if I fail? Again? What if I go back to drinking....again?

See reality is, I'm human. I'm allowed to make mistakes, but in my world, those shouldn't happen. I shouldn't be sitting here on my husbands computer at 2 in the afternoon being able to blog. I should be working. I should be helping people. I should be contributing.

My new reality is that I. Just. Can't. Right. Now.

Coming to grips with a new reality is tough. I'm continuing to work on myself daily, and recently losing my father has put some things into perspective for me.

I appreciate you all sticking by as this blog has come and go, but I recently figured I needed an outlet. I need a release to dump feelings and thoughts somewhere. I need to tell my story to someone. So if you're still reading...welcome back to my wild ride. I'm looking forward to telling it all piece by piece.

Lib

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  3. Here's to a full life which starts with honesty!! So glad you're traveling this road to happy destiny with me ! Love you Libby!

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  4. Hugs. Cheers to being honest, most of all with yourself. I have seen just thru the little you post on Facebook that you've been struggling for a while... As a mental health professional (and yes you can still call yourself that even if not working) the hardest thing for us to do is admit we have a problem and then reach out for help. I'm so proud of you and hope you continue on your journey through recovery. I know I'm across the country but if you ever need someone to talk to...never hesitate to reach out. Big hugs again. - Sabre

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