Losing Libby

The truth is...I'm in recovery. The other truth is emotionally, I'm a disaster. I haven't written in here because the truth is, losing libby was originally about weight loss surgery and how much weight I've weight I lost. In the past few months, more emotionally damning crap has happened to me, my family, my parent(s), my brother, and many people in my ever shrinking circle. I am an addict. I am well educated. I live in the suburbs. I have a child. I have serious mental health issues. I tell you all of the ugly in an attempt to hold myself accountable for the things I have done, the things I have put my family through, and most important...what I have done to myself. If you would have told me five years ago or so that I would be unemployed, filing for disability, and doing medication assisted treatment for addiction...I would have laughed in your face and said you were crazy. The truth is, like many other Americans, I'm not the only one. How d...

Hello my friends now from the other side. The sober side that is... This is going to be long. And in parts so I apologize now but I think it's important to get the whole story. I had wls in July 2009. My highest weight was 398 lbs and I remember praying that I wouldn't go over 400... That or maybe my scale didn't. Either way I could not see a 4. Or regardless of a moderately successful career, higher education, and steady boyfriend (now husband) I would have rather killed myself. Looking back at that statement I should have known then that troubles lie ahead. I weighed 180 lbs when I graduated from high school in 2000. I was well liked. Fairly smart. I was actually the fricken homecoming queen and not out of sympathy BC I was the fat girl that got picked on as a kid, but truly bc I was popular and well liked. To this day the hometown still likes me... But truth be told I never liked me. I went away to college and ate. A lot. I was introduced to Wegmans Pittsford. The m...

So I haven’t written in a while.  Losing Libby hasn’t lost in about a year now.  Haven’t really gained either, but regardless, life definitely happened.  I recently watched the beautiful Eggy on the Ricki Lake Show.  She embodies what most of us feel post gastric bypass.  That there is still this obese person even if your not as obese as you once were.  It was a good wake up call to me, proving that my job of losing weight is not over, nor will it ever be probably. I’m getting older and I can feel it.  I feel old sometimes.  Kind of like, who is this 75 year old woman kind of old.  I need to move my ass more.  So the next phase of Losing Libby is going to be about losing my bad attitude about exercise.  God help me.

So I joined weight watchers last week, and I am not so happy to report that I must be the only person on the planet that actually gained weight the first week!!   No shit I actually gained two lbs following the Points + system! The woman who weighed me in was wonderfully supportive.  She said sometimes the body goes into a bit of shock when we change our habits.  Hilarious.  I have not given up the fight though people!  Tomorrow we will walk!  We will track!  We will persevere! Or at least we shall try. In other news, I am beginning to feel a bit more human like.  Emotionally, I am feeling much much better since I went back to see my previous therapist.  I am going to constantly be a work in progress, but I truly must start believing that I am not a failure.  Even though I obviously failed at weight watchers my first week

I am so full I may die.  No seriously.  I ate so much, and I knew it as I was SHOVELING it into my mouth.  My problem with food lies in portion control, or lack there of.  I know I know, but LIBBY you have NO GUTS?!?!  Didn’t they like, staple yer stomach?!  Didn’t you have that SURGERY AND TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT?! Ya.  I did.  No.  It was not easy.  No it still isn’t easy and it’s going to be three years in July… *le sigh*  It is still tough to know when to stop.  Food is a necessity, yet it is completely a gate way drug to happiness!  I love to cook.  I love to eat!  I love to entertain!  If only I could get paid to be Martha Stewart Jr. and like, do all this for others, and build a media empire! (A girl can dream). Food is going to be an ongoing battle.  We need it to survive.  The difference will be in realizing that just because it is sitting on my plate, doesn’t mean I have to eat it all...

I weighed myself yesterday.  I weigh three lbs more than I did when I got pregnant.  NOT TOO SHABBY! So I’m about to post it for the world to see:   258 lbs.    Man that was rough.  I think it takes some serious balls to post my actual weight, but ya know what, I HOPE it’ll make me more accountable.  Tuesday I am joining Weight Watchers.  I lost 140+ lbs with gastric bypass.  (You can do the math)  It still isn’t enough.  I would love to be down to 200lbs by Ian’s first birthday.  That would be about 11.6 lbs a month.  I believe with the accountability factor of going to weigh in every week, along with actually using the tool I was given back in 2009 (properly), I should be successful.  There is no reason or excuse to fail, other than myself.  This next chapter in the life of Libby is all about holding myself accountable.  For my weight, behavior, eating, actions, and much to my dismay, my emoti...

I have not blogged since June, before my munchkin was born. I have been struggling. I have been happy, sad, and everything in between. I constantly feel in limbo, not only about motherhood, but just life in general. I am going to be the first to admit that I definitely let my health and weight loss goals go to complete shit after I had this guy: He is perfect. His mother, though, is not. A few of my friends have starting blogging. Some about weight loss, mommy-hood, couponing, you name it. They all inspired me to start writing in this again. I was going to start a new blog, but then I thought ya know what, I'm still me. Deep down in this dark hole I have created, the old me is there. The person I once was. I hope you'll bear with me on this journey to find happiness and health again. I know it's there. March 1, 2012 Weight: too fricken scary to even get on scale, maybe tomorrow. Mood: Mediocre to Blah Day: Typical - nothing bad or good to report

So I’ve been a terrible blogger, but I swear it was for good reason.  Here are several key events going on in Losing Libby land. As most of you know, I’m about to become a mommy.  Insanity.  I am obviously pumped, but I would totally be lying if I didn’t admit that I am scared outta my mind.  Baby Mac is due to arrive in about 29 days…his name is going to be Ian.  He is already gorgeous, mainly because he is mine.  I am quite proud to say I have gained only 18 lbs as of today.  I have to be honest, I didn’t care how much I gained as long as I have a fat healthy baby!  So overall, I think I did pretty well.  I am approaching my two year surgiversay.  It is still a battle some days.  I’d be lying if I said this was easy, and as most of you know, it has not.  I am looking forward to lots more protein, exercise, and focusing on these things to lose the baby weight and then some.  We (me and the mister) moved two weeks ...

My new resolution is to try to have a shake a day, or at least some sort of solid protein (ex. protein bar, shake, no carbs…) Today’s shake was this creation, and I must say, I love it. Protein shake of the day: Lime Berry Cream Shake 1 c. skim milk (or water, soy whateves) 1 scoop vanilla fusion (or whatever protein powder you like) 1/4 c. frozen berry blend 1 tsp. of SF lime jello mix 1 tbsp. of SF cheesecake mix 1 package of true lime (or fresh lime zest if you are fancy) ice cubes galore Splenda or whatever you use to sweeten it up a touch blend, top with SF whip cream if you like (or whatever you choose!)  This one is tart, but so good.  It masks all taste of protein in my opinion.  In other news, today the mister and I went to the Buffalo Soup-fest.  It was delicious and filled with tasty tasty soups.  Most of them were of the low-carb type even!  I tried a lentil one, a vicychoisse (??), Dijon Carmelized Onion, Polis...

The disappearing blogger is about to go where some WLS patients have gone before. MOTHERHOOD. Holy shit people, I'm having a baby! The nugget will be making his or her debut on July 23. I will post some pictures once I edit them. I have been feeling a little on the nutty side lately. The past few months have been a battle of hormones and overall unpleasantness. I'm really not sure why, other than, one of the things that happens when you are almost 2 years out, is your tool sometimes escapes you. Meaning one day, it is super easy to eat...a lot. I find myself using pregnancy and the hormones as an excuse to eat eat eat. I have gained 4 lbs so far, and I find this pretty much unacceptable! When I went to my OB doc, she expressed a very good understanding of the gastric bypass patient, stating that it takes 300 extra calories a day to make a baby. Therefore, I shouldn't worry too much about weight gain, especially since I am still, overweight. I took that apparentl...

So my attempt to blog daily was ruined by this chick: I made it extra large so you could see the ridiculousness on our faces.  I love you Rosemary!!  Ever since Rosie’s wedding I’ve been a total slack ass, as per my usual.  But back on the blogwagon kids! As most of you know, I am a music therapist, working inpatient mental health.  I run group therapy 5 days a week and often get the opportunity to work individually with patients.  I have found that most people have pretty shady self-esteem, and CAN NOT take a compliment.  This happens daily, but today I reminded of my good friend Cynthia, who basically taught me how to take a compliment.  Ultimate rule:  Just say thank you. Sounds simple until 40 of your coworkers all tell you how fabulous you look.  You immediately think, “Oh shit, how bad did I look before I lost (insert number of lbs here)!?! My usual reaction would be to laugh at said person, and completely and one hundred per...

I have always advocated for my profession, mental health, and overall, healthcare in general.  Before I had WLS, I had never had any major surgery.  The worst I had was carpel tunnel surgery, so needless to say, gastric bypass was definitely a much bigger surgery! I tell everyone I know that is thinking about having WLS this:  “They don’t rearrange your brain, only your guts.” How true this statement is.  I have seen multiple people end up with severe emotional issues post WLS, mainly because they forget to work on the issues that made them obese in the first place.  Generally most people, including myself, probably have some sort of emotional issue that caused the weight.  I think it is so important to work on whatever is “eating at you (har har har)” in order to be completely successful at this. Some things you can do include reading as much about the procedure and aftercare as you can.  Knowledge is power, as are attending support groups....

I have been cooking up a storm today.  I am feeling a little craptacular (basically a stupid cold) and was craving chicken soup.  I wanted the kind my polish mother and grandmother would make, with homemade kluski.  So I sent the hubs to the store, and now, a few hours later, my house smells amazing. Kluski really aren’t a good post-op food.  They are made of flour, eggs, and a shot of water!  Def not pouch friendly, but I figure a few won’t kill me.  I made them the lazy girl way, by just spooning them into hot water.  They are dense and really not good for the early out peeps.  I am planning on cutting out more carbs in the near future.  Carbs have been so easy to eat sadly.  I think a little mental focus would do me good at this point.  After my best friends’ wedding next weekend, I will be all gung ho about getting back to basics and start moving my ass.  I say next week because people, I gotta be real.   I lo...

Starting today I am going to blog everyday.  Quit laughing…No seriously.  I really enjoying blogging.  It helps me stay focused and keep me in check.  Plus I keep pimping this blog out at the support group meetings and then I never update so alas, here we go.  Goals for October: 1.  Blog everyday (minus yesterday…I don’t count it because it was a Friday :) ) 2.  Lose 10lbs by the end of the month 3.  Track my food via The Daily Plate (via Livestrong) 4.  Move my sweet arse a bit more than as of late (which really means, I haven’t done anything since May) So we covered numero uno, no onto…. 2.  I have instituted a weight loss challenge to the cult.  Who ever loses the most weight percentage wise by the end of the year wins a lemon drop martini.  I am going to try to do 10 lbs every month.  I am at a standstill weight wise (due to number 4 probably being non-existent), so time to get cracking.  3....

So a long while back, I made my way to the fine state of New Jersey, where the illustrious Whole Foods exists.  I was, of course, enamored by all the fancy goodness that it has.  I bought a few things, mainly a couple of spice rubs, but I stumbled upon this: Sorry for the blurry picture, but it is Tera's Whey .  Basically, it’s organic and hormone free.  I purchased one of each flavor they had, and today, whipped up the wolfberry flavor.  Initially, I had no clue what a wolfberry was, but god bless Wikipedia, it’s apparently gogi berries! Score! So ignorance was definitely bliss, as this is one of the best tasting shakes I’ve ever created.  Now I of course, did not drink it straight up.  I used the old blender, added a little bit of the crazy fruit compote that I made the other night, and a 1/2 tsp. of sugar free fat free cheesecake pudding.  Whiz and voila – amazing. It is sweetened with stevia, which I personally like.  It doesn’t h...

So…remember me?  I used to blog a lot, and then I got married.  Oh and it is summer in Western New York, and I am living it up.  Last year, at almost 400 lbs (holy shizzz), I couldn’t imagine running around town like I do now.  It is truly a great feeling to be able to experience all that our town has to offer without 1. feeling like your having heart failure and 2. sweating like a pig all the time.  I haven’t blogged much lately, mainly because I seriously have not been home.  AND I LOVE THAT. For the first time in the three summers we’ve lived here, we finally made our debut at the condo pool.  I actually was not embarrassed to be wearing a bathing suit in front of people.  I wore a sleeveless dress to a wedding last week, and I didn’t care that my bat wings were out of control, mainly because they are not rolls of fat anymore, just hanging skin (with a tad of fat for good measure :)  ) I’m a married woman now.  I had an amazing ...

The hardest part of WLS is staying focused.  Think of a little kid that gets the best toy EVER (LIKE OMG!), plays with said toy for about 5 minutes, then totally moves on to the next greatest thing.  That is what my RNY has become sadly.  I haven’t been using it like I should, and to me, it shows.  To the viewing public (those who see me regularly), they see the changes.  I haven’t really lost a significant amount of weight in about 2-3 months and, truly, it is my own fault. While I still don’t eat a lot (I think), I am not making the best choices due to life.  Let’s be real, life is what got me to the fat zone in the first place.  Stress eating and snacking are still my numero uno problems.  I snack a whole lot on baked chips, tortilla chips, crackers, pop chips, rice cakes…If it’s carby, I want it.  Why?  Well it’s easy to put in my mouth quickly, and they slide right on through.  I love them, I admit.  Guilty as charge...

In 21 days I am getting married.  To say life is a little hairy is an understatement.  It is exciting and totally overwhelming all at the same time.  I had been at a good 2 month plus stall, and am happy to report that I have lost another 5 lbs, making the grand total –115.  Upping my protein has definitely helped.  I have realized that they really weren’t kidding us when they told us protein is most important! Last night, the man and I went out to the the Viking Lobster Company .  It is a very small, amazing place, all fresh food and overall amazing.  We started off with the clams casino – that to my total happiness – had no breading in it!  All protein no carbs! woot!  I had a few of them, then let the man finish them off.  Soup course followed – I had gumbo – which again, had no rice/carbs in it!  It was amazing!  Jay had the chowder – amazing.  I had a couple of spoonfuls of soup, and pushed it away.  I am sti...

I just roasted a big pan of vegetables.  Saturday is Farmer's Market day, and I wanted to roast what was left over from last week. Basically a couple onions and bell peppers. I added a few things from this week as well, including a whole bulb of garlic (stinky but delish) and a leek. Random? Yes. Delicious? Most definitely yes. I used Wegman’s Basting Oil to coat my veggies with.  A little bit goes a long way, and makes all the difference.  It is a great product.  I feel lucky to live near Wegman’s, but am sure jealous of all you guys that have Trader Joe’s near you.  Anywho some food porn for your Saturday: Don’t mind my ghetto baking sheets.  If you’re invited to my wedding – you can guess why I registered for new ones! I kicked my bottle of basting oil so I decided to make my own since I have my Aerogarden working overtime:                    ...

April Fools. Har har har...Hi friends. Today was almost 80 degrees out in Buffalo, NY (that I am not fooling about!) It made me want to be running around outside, generally just enjoying the sunshine and vitamin d that comes along with it. It is such a wonderful feeling, very hard to describe, what spring does to me. Last year at this time, I was getting close to a surgery date. I had my psych eval down, and was just waiting. It was one of the hardest parts, the waiting. Today I can't imagine not being 110 lbs lighter like I am today. Everyday I get a compliment from someone, and I tell you, it truly never gets old. I just hope that next year at this time I can say I am 200 lbs lighter than I was in July 2009. That is a big goal I think, but I do believe it is attainable. I am contemplating what to do with my life. Seems like when you go to school, spend lots of money on fancy degrees, all you get is just that: lots of debt and a fancy degree. What is lacking is the p...