Losing Libby

The truth is...I'm in recovery. The other truth is emotionally, I'm a disaster. I haven't written in here because the truth is, losing libby was originally about weight loss surgery and how much weight I've weight I lost. In the past few months, more emotionally damning crap has happened to me, my family, my parent(s), my brother, and many people in my ever shrinking circle. I am an addict. I am well educated. I live in the suburbs. I have a child. I have serious mental health issues. I tell you all of the ugly in an attempt to hold myself accountable for the things I have done, the things I have put my family through, and most important...what I have done to myself. If you would have told me five years ago or so that I would be unemployed, filing for disability, and doing medication assisted treatment for addiction...I would have laughed in your face and said you were crazy. The truth is, like many other Americans, I'm not the only one. How d...

Well another beautiful Sunday in Buffalo, NY. Sunday's in the fall mean only two things in Buffalo, Football and Chicken wings (and pizza...so okay three). On Tuesday I will be 11 weeks post-op and I am now dealing with the fear that I am going to screw this tool up royally. I find it so easy to be relaxed with my decisions. I have been notorious for not taking my vitamins as I should, not having enough protein, eating "slider" foods, etc. The trends are there, just as they were before. I didn't have my guts rearranged to lose only 70 lbs, so the buck stops here so to speak. I enjoyed the toppings off of a slice of piece, with a few bites of the crust. I had 2 chicken wings (sans skin), and I feel disgusting. I just ordered some Click (espresso protein powder). I am really excited to try this. I also ordered myself a fancy pill box so that I have no excuse about these damn vitamins. I also splurged and got myself a super cool bento box . I have a lot of ...

So long time no blog! Dang I am busy! I started working full time again, and I am going to school part time. I am driving twice a week to Rochester (about an hour and a half from where I work) and then 3 hours of class, then an hour back home! Gahhhh. Very very very tired. Very very stressed! While I was driving home Tuesday, after a particularly stressful day, I realized that I definitely turned to food to relieve stress. The good/bad part is that when you physically can not eat (because your stomach is the size of a walnut (or more), you can't resort back to those habits. You need to actually use some good coping skills. Shit. I loved food. I still do love food. It's satisfying, it's comforting, and pleasurable. When you feel like crap, food can make you feel better. When you are sad, it can make it go away (for a bit), its a vicious cycle, and I can see how people can get a bit obsessive about food. How did I deal with said stressful day? I resorted back t...

So I went back to work yesterday for the first time since my surgery. It was a great day, and it felt really nice to feel welcomed back. Everyone was super excited to see me. The day was pretty normal, couple groups, lots of paperwork. I definitely did not get enough protein in, of course. I had half of a pure protein bar before group, and then had a salad made with a roma tomato and marinated mozzarella, with balsamic vinegar, and a handful of raw trail mix. I drank in between throughout the day, which worked out fine, as I have a key to the kitchen and have access to all the ice I can handle! Yah! I love ice lately. The colder the better. I made a "chicken hash" for dinner. I roasted a poblano pepper, peeled it and diced it. Added a scallion, 2 small red potatoes, some fresh corn from the cob (not much), garlic, cumin, and diced up a trader joe's chicken patty. It was amazing. I then topped it with an egg (ala hash), and a slab of smoked gouda with bacon che...

The infamous dumping syndrome. Holy shit it was AWFUL. So basically I thought I would be cool and have some carb comfort ice cream. Ugh my stomach just started rumbling at the thought of it. I had about 3/4 of a half cup. Then I thought I'd throw some SF cool whip on it. Well it was a reciepe for DISASTER! I got so hot and sweaty, and then toilet time! Man did it suck...I still feel a little wierd this morning, but I am trying to have a protein shake (which I haven't been too fond of as of late). I am going to go back to basics today, protein shakes, soft soft soft mushy foods, and just kind of take it easy in terms of food. I am updaing my iPod, hoping to get motivated to go for a walk. I already put socks and a bra on so, there's half my battle! It is supposed to be 80+ and sunny here in WNY finally, so I need to take advantage of the sunshine! Yah! Special shout out to all my "followers", and thanks for reading!

Today turned out to be a beautiful day, and this weekend was perfect. Friday we went out to a delicious dinner. We went to a "seafood house", where I ordered the broiled seafood platter. Of course, it was huge, but I wanted to try a little of each part of it. It came with broiled haddock, scallops and shrimp. The sides were salt potatoes and coleslaw. My favorite part of it were the scallops and the haddock...they were so soft and tender. God it was good. The best part, was that I finally felt NORMAL again, that I could go out to dinner with my boyfriend, and eat! Grant it, not a lot, but it was perfect. I felt good...everything has been settling nicely in pouchy when it comes to food. After that we decided to head out to a coffee house to hear some music, and explore a bit. The music was so so, but I was happy to see they had an array of sugar free syrups. I ordered a nonfat sugar free chocolate raspberry latte. I did FAIL when I forgot to order decaf. Needless ...

Anywho - I'm back. Sorry for the lack of posts the past few days...I went to Dunkirk Tuesday and then Rochester Wednesday for a few hours, and man, was I tired. I have to give myself a little slack, as I just had surgery three weeks ago, and am still recovering. Walking around for more than 45 minutes is a little tiresome, but I am getting better I think. My body is definitely changing, while unfortunately, the number on the scale is not. I am at a bit of a stall, and was actually encouraged from my online buddies to up my calories. I was averaging about 500-600 calories, and yesterday I had about 850. I am hoping that my body will get out of starvation mode, and get back into losing mode. I am going to take a walk today also, as it is one of the few nice days apparently that WNY is having. Hooray! Next weekend we are traveling off to my future in-laws! I am excited and hope that "pouchy" behaves herself. I would like to go into NYC, and hope that my legs and ...

So I live in Buffalo, NY. Home of the chicken wing. Yes I said it, chicken wings. About a week ago, I was at my parents house hanging out, and we ordered pizza and chicken wings for my boyfriend and them... and then...the worst happened: I cried. I friggin cried over food people, and I feel like I may do it again, in front of my future in-laws! I find it completely amazing and ridiculous how wrapped up I get with food. Tell me, veterans, does it get easier? Getting over food? It isn't getting easier. I am having a damn hard time with food. The best, or worst, is that so far, I have been able to tolerate all of the food I've tried, beans, ricotta, cheese, etc. I even "cheated" and had a couple saltine crackers! The nerve! I am almost three weeks post op now and I'm down about 45lbs. The success obviously outweighs (har har!) the food, but it's still fricken hard. Seriously, whoever said WLS was the "easy way out", is full of...well you kn...

It never ceases to amaze me in the two weeks into this thing, how one day you can feel like a million bucks, and the next, craptacular. I know, I know, you're all saying, Libby, you had major surgery 2 weeks ago today, you're still healing! Blah blah I know. I still don't want to feel like that though! Yesterday I kept thinking I was ready to go back to work, but today all I want to do is crawl back into bed, and definitely not not eat. I don't even want to think about food today, or water. Usually by this time I've had 24 oz. of water and a protein shake. I went grocery shopping this morning to get some things to make my dear boyfriend a nice birthday dinner, and I literally wanted to die at the store. Oh well enough complaining. I suppose this is part of the RNY territory...I have read a lot of posts on Obesityhelp.com about one day your pouch being snarky, one day perfect. Guess today is the snarky day. I have up until today been tolerating all foods I...